In Between Stops

There have been so many stops and starts to "living" while undergoing breast cancer treatment and the ensuing reconstructive surgeries, that painting and other creative endeavors in life have taken the furthest seat at the back of the bus. All of my focus -- mental, physical, emotional, even spiritual was spent just trying to be as healthy (alive) as I could before and after every new milestone. Just get to the end of chemotherapy. Just get through the mastectomies surgery. Get through radiation. Get through reconstruction surgery. Get through 2nd reconstruction surgery. Even now, I'm focused on being as ready as possible before my 3rd reconstructive surgery in mid July. It will be 2 years at the end of this July of put on the brakes, put on the brakes, accelerate a little bit and live a little, put on the brakes, accelerate, put on the brakes, live a little, brake....it really messes with your head.

Something I've known about myself for a while is that I generally can do only one thing well at a time. Once upon a time when I was a fancy runner, all of my focus went toward running faster and faster. Then, when getting our yard and garden into shape, I perpetually had twigs in my hair, dreamed about plants, and literally had a green thumb. And then, a dear friend invited me to take a painting class with her and lo and behold, life had me taking an unexpected turn. With gobs of encouragement and new art supplies from the Amazing Reese, I embarked on a painting journey that has been incredibly rewarding and satisfying. So much so that over the years, people have found ways to compensate me for a painting. Even commissioned me! But, it's been a good long while since I've been in the studio, other than to file and organize endless amounts of cancer paperwork, and do I even know how to paint anymore? Did chemotherapy kill all of my creative brain cells along with killing cancer cells? (Hopefully killing ALL cancer cells though I won't be officially declared cancer free until a full ten years has passed. One year down, nine to go.)

So, between surgeries, only somewhat ready, and terribly apprehensive, back in the studio I went to work on (drum roll, please) a commission! After the initial sketch, it took several weeks of nerves, doubts, and stalling (self sabotage) before I fully mustered up the courage to put actual paint to canvas. It was humbling/exhilarating to once again be immersed in the process of painting -- connecting me to a creative, confident aspect of my psyche that has lain dormant for so long.

Thank you, dear patron, for believing in my abilities as an artist. It's an incredible blessing. This painting is 16" x 20" oil on linen and was a pleasure to paint.

(Want a painting of your loved one? Commission me -- we have medical bills to pay.)